Squirrel Farming Weekly

Squirrel Farming Weekly

Casualties this week: 56

The Squirrel Farming Weekly appologizes for the delay in this news report (and for those kittens we left on your doorstep, but that's not important).

Squirrel Farming Season Starts TODAY

At exactly 3:24 AM today, park rangers around the globe opened areas for a new season of squirrel farming. And now a message to all squirrel farmers: IF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN SQUIRREL FARMING IN THE LAST 12 HOURS, DO SO IMMEDIATELY. Every experienced farmer knows that the best time to go squirrel farming is right when the season starts, when the forests are rich (and creamy) with some of the best squirrels you'll find at no other point in the farming season. So be the early worm and catch the...wait... Nevermind.

From the Dead Sea to You: Weekly Stories From the Dead Sea

TO ALL ROOKIE SQUIRREL FARMERS: Hi. And: DO NOT ATTEMPT THE DEAD SEA THIS YEAR UNLESS YOU ARE CONFIDENT IN YOUR SKILLS, OR IF YOU HAVE A DEATHWISH, OR IF YOU LIVE UNDER THE STRANGE IMPRESSION THAT EVERYONE IS A NINJA, OR IF YOU ARE CARRYING A ZIPLOC SANDWICH BAG FULL OF CHICKEN FEATHERS FROM PORTUGAL. Just don't do it, OK??!?!?!?!? Promise? Cross your heart, hope to die? What does that mean, anyway? Why in the world would you hope to die?!?!? That's like, emo or something. Whatever. Anyway, the infamous fanged squirrels have been genetically mutated by some Russian Scientist dude named Yuri Fararlkaaxzcdniolsndjklnkalkdbnzla. No that's not his real name, but it's ridiculously long. Of all the squirrel farmers to enter the dead sea today, none of them returned alive. Hear that? Zero. Zilch. Well, I guess one did survive, but he doesn't really count because he was like a ninja. (Level 16)

Also in the News...

Squirrel farming authorities have decided to delay the opening of some European squirrel farming locations due to a rapid decrease in squirrel populations.