Squirrel Farmer Weekly #1

The Squirrel Farmer Weekly

This week's casualties:32 Records set this week: 2

Squirrel Farmers Find Revolutionary Way to Squirrel FarmThe seemingly harmless yo-yo has proved a formidable

weapon against rampaging squirrels.

This Saturday in Aspen, Colorado, professional squirrel farmers Henry Koch, Reed McFall, and Zach Miller introduced a new style of squirrel farming. They used yo-yo's to knock out and capture a record 25 squirrels. They then decided to divide them evenly among themselves.......... Just think about that for a minute: 3 people, and 25 squirrels.........They later figured out that this meant dividing one squirrel into thirds. Don't worry. They released the leftover squirrel back into it's natural habitat. Anyway, squirrel farming experts argued all weekend on whether this new style was really squirrel farming. And the verdict is: no. Hitting a squirrel with a yo-yo is not actually squirrel farming. Koch, Miller, and McFall agreed to go back to the traditional method of pipe cleaners, but this will still be remembered forever among fellow squirrel farmers. Koch, Miller, and McFall are going squirrel farming in the Black Hills this weekend. We'll keep you posted.

Squirrel Farming tip from Zach Miller:"If it's fat, cover up your neck immediately."

From the dead sea to you: weekly stories from the dead sea. This weekend, professional squirrel farmers Bob Joe, Joe Bob, and Bob Joe Bob were overtaken by the evil fanged Dead Sea squirrels. Bob Joe Bob, a rookie, was the getaway driver for Bob Joe and Joe Bob. When Joe Bob came back to the car, Bob Joe Bob was too involved in his iPod and Subway. So Joe Bob gets mauled to death and then Bob Joe Bob drives off in the car, and then when Bob Joe comes back, there was no car, so he gets mauled to death. Bob Joe Bob's car then breaks down a mile away, and the squirrels catch up to him and maul him to death. Let this be a lesson to all: NEVER TRUST A ROOKIE AS THE GETAWAY DRIVER!

Squirrel Farmers Get Mauled For 5 Hours and Live!!!! Squirrel farmers Jim Joe, Joe Jim, and Joe Jim Joe, who where squirrel farming in Loch Ness, were mauled by squirrels for 5 HOURS STRAIGHT UNDERWATER. SERIOUSLY. Their getaway driver, Jim Joe Jim (not to be confused with Joe Jim Joe) delibrately left the car and hid in the bushes, taking footage of the squirrel farmers getting mauled and timing the mauling. Jim Joe, Joe Jim, and Joe Jim Joe, are in critical condition right now, but they survived and doctors have said they will leave the hospital just fine.