Squirrel Farmer Weekly #1

The Squirrel Farmer Weekly

This week's casualties:32 Records set this week: 2

Squirrel Farmers Find Revolutionary Way to Squirrel FarmThe seemingly harmless yo-yo has proved a formidable

weapon against rampaging squirrels.

This Saturday in Aspen, Colorado, professional squirrel farmers Henry Koch, Reed McFall, and Zach Miller introduced a new style of squirrel farming. They used yo-yo's to knock out and capture a record 25 squirrels. They then decided to divide them evenly among themselves.......... Just think about that for a minute: 3 people, and 25 squirrels.........They later figured out that this meant dividing one squirrel into thirds. Don't worry. They released the leftover squirrel back into it's natural habitat. Anyway, squirrel farming experts argued all weekend on whether this new style was really squirrel farming. And the verdict is: no. Hitting a squirrel with a yo-yo is not actually squirrel farming. Koch, Miller, and McFall agreed to go back to the traditional method of pipe cleaners, but this will still be remembered forever among fellow squirrel farmers. Koch, Miller, and McFall are going squirrel farming in the Black Hills this weekend. We'll keep you posted.

Squirrel Farming tip from Zach Miller:"If it's fat, cover up your neck immediately."

From the dead sea to you: weekly stories from the dead sea. This weekend, professional squirrel farmers Bob Joe, Joe Bob, and Bob Joe Bob were overtaken by the evil fanged Dead Sea squirrels. Bob Joe Bob, a rookie, was the getaway driver for Bob Joe and Joe Bob. When Joe Bob came back to the car, Bob Joe Bob was too involved in his iPod and Subway. So Joe Bob gets mauled to death and then Bob Joe Bob drives off in the car, and then when Bob Joe comes back, there was no car, so he gets mauled to death. Bob Joe Bob's car then breaks down a mile away, and the squirrels catch up to him and maul him to death. Let this be a lesson to all: NEVER TRUST A ROOKIE AS THE GETAWAY DRIVER!

Squirrel Farmers Get Mauled For 5 Hours and Live!!!! Squirrel farmers Jim Joe, Joe Jim, and Joe Jim Joe, who where squirrel farming in Loch Ness, were mauled by squirrels for 5 HOURS STRAIGHT UNDERWATER. SERIOUSLY. Their getaway driver, Jim Joe Jim (not to be confused with Joe Jim Joe) delibrately left the car and hid in the bushes, taking footage of the squirrel farmers getting mauled and timing the mauling. Jim Joe, Joe Jim, and Joe Jim Joe, are in critical condition right now, but they survived and doctors have said they will leave the hospital just fine.

Tim Tripielson

Tim Tripielson is an annoying character. It is known as the ARACHNID OF DEATH!!!!!!!!! The ARACHNID OF DEATH is wanted because he trips the first person in every line.
This is what we know about Tim. He is approximately 5 feet tall, weighs 150 pounds, and has four arms and four legs. He is green, and stinky. VERY STINKY. He wears special t-shirts and jeans to accommodate for his eight limbs.
Tim Tripielson was last seen wearing a four-sleeved yellow smiley face t-shirt, four-legged blue jeans, and sandals. It's completely normal eyes are completely normal. (Darn you guided paragraph thingy) It has a nose like any other person. (Grrrrrrrrrr) It has green skin because it was exposed to radiation in Ukraine. Tim has tentacles for arms, serious facial hair, and dreadlocks that haven't been washed in 24 years. Wow.
We have not found where the ARACHNID OF DEATH is located, but we do know what provokes it. Please avoid the following at all costs: Do not carry around cubed cheese on a triangular plate, do not walk around with an open dictionary, do not peel a banana right after eating sunflower seeds, do not read magazines while it's raining outside, do not wear Hanes socks, do not eat doughnuts without savoring them, and most importantly, avoid any and all lines. I don't mean drawing lines, I mean like, "single file, class" type lines. To catch Tim, you must douse it with Vitamin Water. TRY IT! If you didn't get that, you have to watch more TV. But trust us, it works. Seriously. After you catch the ARACHNID OF DEATH, sedate it and call us. The reward is $22.63. We want it ALIVE, please. (Again, it's the guided paragraph thingy's fault.) If you see Tim Tripielson, please call 1-800-PEST-BEGONE.

Tim Tripielson