Squirrel Farmer Weekly #1

The Squirrel Farmer Weekly

This week's casualties:32 Records set this week: 2

Squirrel Farmers Find Revolutionary Way to Squirrel FarmThe seemingly harmless yo-yo has proved a formidable

weapon against rampaging squirrels.

This Saturday in Aspen, Colorado, professional squirrel farmers Henry Koch, Reed McFall, and Zach Miller introduced a new style of squirrel farming. They used yo-yo's to knock out and capture a record 25 squirrels. They then decided to divide them evenly among themselves.......... Just think about that for a minute: 3 people, and 25 squirrels.........They later figured out that this meant dividing one squirrel into thirds. Don't worry. They released the leftover squirrel back into it's natural habitat. Anyway, squirrel farming experts argued all weekend on whether this new style was really squirrel farming. And the verdict is: no. Hitting a squirrel with a yo-yo is not actually squirrel farming. Koch, Miller, and McFall agreed to go back to the traditional method of pipe cleaners, but this will still be remembered forever among fellow squirrel farmers. Koch, Miller, and McFall are going squirrel farming in the Black Hills this weekend. We'll keep you posted.

Squirrel Farming tip from Zach Miller:"If it's fat, cover up your neck immediately."

From the dead sea to you: weekly stories from the dead sea. This weekend, professional squirrel farmers Bob Joe, Joe Bob, and Bob Joe Bob were overtaken by the evil fanged Dead Sea squirrels. Bob Joe Bob, a rookie, was the getaway driver for Bob Joe and Joe Bob. When Joe Bob came back to the car, Bob Joe Bob was too involved in his iPod and Subway. So Joe Bob gets mauled to death and then Bob Joe Bob drives off in the car, and then when Bob Joe comes back, there was no car, so he gets mauled to death. Bob Joe Bob's car then breaks down a mile away, and the squirrels catch up to him and maul him to death. Let this be a lesson to all: NEVER TRUST A ROOKIE AS THE GETAWAY DRIVER!

Squirrel Farmers Get Mauled For 5 Hours and Live!!!! Squirrel farmers Jim Joe, Joe Jim, and Joe Jim Joe, who where squirrel farming in Loch Ness, were mauled by squirrels for 5 HOURS STRAIGHT UNDERWATER. SERIOUSLY. Their getaway driver, Jim Joe Jim (not to be confused with Joe Jim Joe) delibrately left the car and hid in the bushes, taking footage of the squirrel farmers getting mauled and timing the mauling. Jim Joe, Joe Jim, and Joe Jim Joe, are in critical condition right now, but they survived and doctors have said they will leave the hospital just fine.

Tim Tripielson

Tim Tripielson is an annoying character. It is known as the ARACHNID OF DEATH!!!!!!!!! The ARACHNID OF DEATH is wanted because he trips the first person in every line.
This is what we know about Tim. He is approximately 5 feet tall, weighs 150 pounds, and has four arms and four legs. He is green, and stinky. VERY STINKY. He wears special t-shirts and jeans to accommodate for his eight limbs.
Tim Tripielson was last seen wearing a four-sleeved yellow smiley face t-shirt, four-legged blue jeans, and sandals. It's completely normal eyes are completely normal. (Darn you guided paragraph thingy) It has a nose like any other person. (Grrrrrrrrrr) It has green skin because it was exposed to radiation in Ukraine. Tim has tentacles for arms, serious facial hair, and dreadlocks that haven't been washed in 24 years. Wow.
We have not found where the ARACHNID OF DEATH is located, but we do know what provokes it. Please avoid the following at all costs: Do not carry around cubed cheese on a triangular plate, do not walk around with an open dictionary, do not peel a banana right after eating sunflower seeds, do not read magazines while it's raining outside, do not wear Hanes socks, do not eat doughnuts without savoring them, and most importantly, avoid any and all lines. I don't mean drawing lines, I mean like, "single file, class" type lines. To catch Tim, you must douse it with Vitamin Water. TRY IT! If you didn't get that, you have to watch more TV. But trust us, it works. Seriously. After you catch the ARACHNID OF DEATH, sedate it and call us. The reward is $22.63. We want it ALIVE, please. (Again, it's the guided paragraph thingy's fault.) If you see Tim Tripielson, please call 1-800-PEST-BEGONE.

Tim Tripielson

Squirrel Farming

Since I am struggling with writer's block right now and can't think of anything to write for Frisbees Talk to Me, I am starting a news report thingy right here on my blog. And it will be about... What else? SQUIRREL FARMING!!!!!!! It will be called the Weekly Squirrel Farmer and-oh yeah, you don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Here's what squirrel farming is.

So you go out in 3 feet of snow butt naked with nothing but a pipe cleaner. You lure in a squirrel with an acorn, and then grab hold of him with the pipe cleaner. He starts struggling away, so you're like "WOAH!!!!" and he's like, "WOAH!!!" and then he bites you in the jugular and you're like "woah." So now you get mauled by all these squirrels and they're biting you in the jugulars and you finally get away so you book it back to your car. But the squirrels catch up to you and start mauling you again when you're almost to your car. So you're friend's in the car and you're yelling to him, "Oh my gosh! Help me! Oh my gosh! Help! Help!" But he can't hear you because he's jamming out to his iPod and eating Subway. Then he happens to look over and sees you getting mauled, so he pulls you out of the feeding frenzy and gets you in the car. Then you yell to him, "Faster! Faster!!" But he can't hear you because he's jamming out on his iPod again and eating his Subway. Then he finishes his subway and looks out the rear-view mirror and sees all these squirrels chasing you and he's like, "Woah!" and then you drive away.

When the Earth Split Open (and no, that's not plagurism)

Q. Sorry, Q was feeling left out. He never gets typed. So sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Now to the real story. Actually, that was the real story. So ha. Just kidding. Here it is.
Flaflejalwitz (Fla-flee-jall-wits), a 95 year old retired guy, lived in right next to the when the earthquakes of 1811 and 1812 began. He just slept right through the first part of the earthquake, but when the flooding came, he heard a knock at his door. He said from his rocking chair to come in. The person opened his door and water streamed into his house. "Well I'll be darned," Flaflejalwitz said in amazement, "you brought me some water." Oh yeah, and by the way, you have to read Flaflejalwitz's dialogue in a Southern style accent, or it's not nearly as good of a story. (I'm not quite sure why.)
A guy in a boat was floating in the doorway. "Hey person who's way to old for this time period," said the guy in the boat. "Hop in, or you're going to drown."
"Now why would I do a thing like that?" Flaflejalwitz answered. With a crazy, creepy looking face, he added "I'M IMMORTAL!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
The dude in the boat gave Flaflejalwitz a strange look and slowly drifted away in the other direction. A few hours later, when the house was almost completely submerged with water, and Flaflefalwitz had moved to the roof (probably the smartest thing he'd done in his long, meaningless, life) and soon enough, another boat came. Once again, he refused the help of the boat. Eventually, when the earth rumbled again due to more earthquakes, Flaflejalwitz toppled off his roof and into the water. Because he still believed he was immortal, Flaflejalwitz didn't even try to swim back to his roof. He drowned, and of course, died. What a happy ending. JUST KIDDING!!!! No. Really. I'm serious. What, you were expecting a happy ending??? You demand too much of me. OK, so I'll redo the entire story..... HAPPY VERSION!!!
Flaflejalwitz (Fla-flee-jall-wits), a 95 year old retired guy, lived in right next to the when the earthquakes of 1811 and 1812 began. He just slept right through the first part of the earthquake, but when the flooding came, he heard a knock at his door. He said from his rocking chair to come in. The person opened his door and water streamed into his house. "Well I'll be darned," Flaflejalwitz said in amazement, "you brought me some water." Oh yeah, and by the way, you have to read Flaflejalwitz's dialogue in a Southern style accent, or it's not nearly as good of a story. (I'm not quite sure why.)
A guy in a boat was floating in the doorway. "Hey person who's way to old for this time period," said the guy in the boat. "Hop in, or you're going to drown."
"Okay!" yelled Flaflejalwitz, enthusiastically. Then Flaflejalwitz stepped into the boat, and they paddled their way to safety, and lived happily ever after. BOOOOOOOOOORING. See? Isn't my first version better? So if you know what's good for you, you will NEVER ask for another happy ending from me. Ever. I'm just kidding, you can ask for a happy ending whenever you want, but don't be surprised when you get another dumb "happily ever after" story. But hey, if that's what floats your boat, (hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, pun, pun, pun) then that's fine with me.

THE END

Summer Poem

On a hot summer day,
the place to play
is no doubt
the swimming pool.

Smelling the hotdog stand,
with squirt gun in hand,
taking on your friend in a duel.

You step up to the board
to try some dives
the bees right behind in a hoard.
Disturbed from their hive,
you send send them a jive,
before leaping back into the pool.

You hear the tweet of a wistle,
and look up at the guard,
who's conviced she's very ofissal.
She looks at you hard,
but she's no threat,
while she's up on her stool.

You've got no cares,
just lawn chairs,
and sliced pairs,
and definitely no thoughts of school.

On a hot summer day,
the place to play,
is no doubt
the swimming pool.

NEW SERIES!

It's final! The new series title has been chosen. The new title is: Frisbees Talk to Me. Yaaaayyy!!! Thanks to Dane, who was the one to come up with the title so thank you Dane. I will be blogging about that as soon as possible. So stay tuned for the premier of Frisbees Talk to Me, right here at Henry's Hat.